So here I am in Kolkata having made a promise to Es three months earlier to join her on the last leg of her spiritual boot camp. I’ve struggled with coming to Kolkata – worried about how I might be treated as a black person more than about anything else. My mood was not helped when I arrived and found that Emirates had messed up my luggage and it was going to be a couple of days before we would be reunited. It took a further three hours before I arrived at my hotel. The fact that I got there alive and in one piece was a debt of gratitude I thought I owed to my Formula One driver; however, over the course of my stay in Kolkata I realised driving within an inch of your life was the norm.
In my room (having bitched to the front desk about not getting my luggage ), I thought about what Es must have been through and tried talking my way out of my spiralling bad mood. Get over yourself Nova, focus on why you came, I remonstrated. The phone rang. Esmeralda was on her way up. I was almost at the door when she bounded into the room with her two heavy bags and one backpack; before we hugged I quickly searched her face and could see how hard this journey had been on her. Yes, she was tanned and had lost weight. Her hair was still short but spiked with grey. However, it was her eyes that told me of the emotional and physical struggles she must have endured. And I thought I could see faint stains on her face where tears might have been. Or maybe it was just sweat from the 37 degree heat. Dear Es. How proud I was of her. We finally hugged and I silently wondered if I should kiss her feet or something.
Gradually, once she’d eaten and taken stock of things, she told me about her journey and Amma and the sadness at leaving her newly formed family behind. She only scratched the surface and glossed over certain things. But that’s ok. Maybe I’ll hear more when the time is right. We laughed and Esmeralda also cried - more of joy than anything but also at having to leave Amma and the world that had in many ways protected her these past seven weeks.
The hotel was kind enough to kit me out with toiletries and two white Panjabis until my luggage arrived. Es took immediate control and, as I changed into my Gandhiesque garb, before I knew what was happening we were in another one of those frightful taxis en route to the Ashram on Budge Budge Road .
As a die-hard sceptic, I was anxious about the next few days and what might be expected of me. Despite all the books and lectures Es had thrown at me, I had not read any and what she said never really registered. I felt a complete fraud. As we walked in through the Ashram's gate and past the Brahmasthanam Temple on our way to the program hall, I looked around and saw many westerners, the first thing that struck me was that all the '60's hippies I had seen on TV, had congregated under this one roof. The stereotypical person I expected to see was there along with thousands of local people. But everywhere I turned, friendly people who knew Esmeralda came up and said hello as If they already knew me. I was given a quick recce of the place and at one point I thought perhaps now was the time to kiss E's feet.
At around 8pm, still clutching my handbag, I walked with Es bare-foot on a wooden floor through the huge congregation. It was time for me to face up to why I had come and to meet Her Holiness, Sri Mata Amritanandamayi Devi ( Amma). After much ado, it was time for Darshan. I was given a numbered token and placed in a long line. Trying hard not to think about my aching back I waited patiently to receive my blessing. When my time came it passed quickly. Clutching my hand-written note, I felt her embrace and before I realised what was happening my head was on her shoulder and I was being hugged and squeezed. Someone took the note out of my left hand and the moment was over. I was exhausted and just wanted to get some sleep. We got back to the hotel around 1.00am. Es said later that Amma looked into my eyes. Thinking back, what I do remember is feeling an inner warmth from Amma’s embrace.
By 6.30am the next day having changed into my 2nd pair of white panjabis, we returned to the temple. I sat on a chair opposite an Indian lady who's lead I would follow during my first Rahu puja . Es sat to my left. I felt out of my depth and was worried I might damage any good karma I had left in my life by messing this up. I tried to concentrate during the meditation and at one point opened my right eye slightly to see if anyone was looking back at me. Everyone except me was in deep contemplation and, with thousands of people chanting the mantra, I was able to concentrate sufficiently to follow the puja.
Sometime later that same day, we returned to take part in the Saturn puja. There were even more people taking part in this puja, and it was difficult to see Amma, but I was able to absorb myself in her singing which was mesmerising. By eleven pm though, I felt it was time for me to leave and headed back to my hotel leaving Esmeralda behind with her mother.
I cannot tell you if I will eventually embrace Amma the way Esmeralda has. I still feel confused and I have many questions I need to ask myself. How I find those answers will depend on how open I am to hearing the truth. Whatever that will be. For now. I feel fortunate to have experienced another world very, very different from mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment